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The Devastating Factors of Porn
What is pornography?
We are not just talking about the Supreme Courts definition of Pornography. Pornography includes thinking about underwear ads, Victoria Secret magazines, Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue, the Sears Catalog or even National Geographic. Today we are faced with the Internet that has over 500 million pornographic web sites, each consisting of multiple photos and/or graphic video sex scenes. All of this is accessible to anyone by computers, cell phones and almost any electronic devices with internet capability.
Problems with Pornography
The active almost compulsive attraction to pornography, for some, this activity may last for hours; others may be cycling through binges, many developing a habit of several times a week.
1. Biological Components
2. Psychological Aspects
3. Chemical Reactions
1. Developing nero-pathways connected to the pleasure center of the brain.
2. Developing dependence when stress develops in everyday life situations.
3. Three major chemicals are utilized in a form of self medication.
4. Ongoing and/repetitive behaviors develop a trained response.
5. Extremely difficult to stop without addressing this component.
1. Developing an attachment, (false intimacy) with the fantasy person / world
2. Over period of many years, this becomes our oldest, bestest, trusted friend.
3. The ability to secrete epinephrine into blood stream increases.
4. Sexual intimacy decreases because your partner is not your desired or preferred fantasy sexual object.
5. Over shadows our thoughts through-out the day, creating problems at home and work.
Three extremely powerful chemicals play an intricate part in this dynamic.
1. Epinephrine: This chemical is secreted into the blood stream and we receive a chemical high from sexually charged images.
2. Endorphins: This chemical washes over the brain, removing emotional discomfort for a period of time.
3. Enkephalins: This chemical is 3 to 4 times stronger than morphine, hence the intensity of the orgasm.
Imprinting occurs into the brain of whatever we are viewing at the time of the orgasm whether it's a live person, an air-brushed perfected image or an inanimate object. Regardless of which of these it is, it is NOT your spouse, so each time you masturbate to the other images you form "sex glue" to that other image and NOT your spouse. This creates an appetite and desire for what/who you are glued to, NOT your spouse which can create lack of arousal, ED, or inability to orgasm with your spouse.
The good news is, it's totally fixable!
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This blog explains what most of us should have learned from our parents growing up, reinforced by teachers, coaches and other influential adults…
Warning: This chapter contains info that may blow your socks off. Basically, that it’s time to grow up and put your big boy pants on. Or your big girl pants on…
Warning: This Blog contains concepts that to some may seem very simplistic, yet in reality, are extremely dynamic. Even so, we hope it will bring a point across that must be heard to instill everlasting change.
Once upon a time, long, long ago, we had dreams of how we’d like our life to turn out. But nobody told us how stinking hard it was going to be. Day in and day out, one thing after another, with no end in sight. Some of us turned to Drugs, others to Alcohol. Many others used Sex and a lot of us used Food, all in an attempt to self-medicate so we could just get by.
“What happened here ?!?” “Why is my life so messed up ?!?” It’s time to find out why, how, where, when and, most importantly, what to do about it all.
The Basic ABC’s:
The ABC’s help explain what seems to be so very complicated.
A is for our Ego- that angry, manipulative kid inside.
B is for our Adult- who must rise up and take control.
C is for our Lover- who must relax and really focus upon our friends and especially our spouse and family.
The Ego chooses to live in Stupidville. This is where everything we do is right or everyone else’s fault. Where everything we do is minimized, distorted, rationalized and there is No Accountability. Where it’s all about “Me”, and “I want what I want, when I want it and I want it Now!” This is where we worship what we call the UNholy Trinity; Me, Myself and I.
The Adult, on the other hand, is the mature calm one within, who steps up and gets the job done. We say what we’re going to do and we just do it. We do it for others, for free or just for fun. We operate out of self-respect and treat others with respect. Most importantly, when we mess up, we take Accountability. This is where we respectfully own our mistakes and humbly continue on, gracefully.
The Lover is the softer side of our heart; the one that goes above and beyond for their spouse, friends and family. The Lover treats others with a balance of Love and Respect and with an attitude of we get to, not that we have to.
Our hearts are pleasantly settled when we touch another’s heart. So, we do it again and again, for there is no end in being there, one for the other.
The problem is our Ego who keeps getting in our way. When- ever we get triggered and go back into the Ego, we always have something negative to say. When we aren’t well received, we just run away feeling sad, mad and justified to self medicate day after day. Life never seems to get easier. Each year as we get older, it seems there is more and more for us to do, for it never seems to end or get easier.
must learn to take authority over this little Ego, and what a
The Survival Rules:
Rule #1. Shut-up !!!
Acknowledge that you are triggered back into your Ego. So, do not share your thoughts, feelings or opinions. Remember, take a slow deep breath.
Rule #2. Listen…
Maintain eye contact. Repeat what was said, not what you think you heard. If asked to do something, “Just do it”.
Rule #3. Don’t React!!!
S.T.O.P. - Self Time Out Please
Now we are getting started, no time to sit back and relax. The Adult must remain steady and ready. That Ego is a little conniver and just waits to attack.
These Rules of Survival are to be used internally. A conversation if you will, in your head between your Ego and your newly emerging Adult. You must continually be vigilant to keep your Ego at bay, or the Ego will destroy the trust, respect and love, from all of those you hold dear.
For the Adult to stand true, we need Accountability. This is the key, the ability to account for our actions. To say “what” we did, and share it with a friend. So find a friend willing to work with you and learn how to own your behaviors, to say what you’ve done wrong. All this is just practice, so eventually, we’ll do it with our spouse, lover, our “bestest”, trusted friend, to grow our intimacy.
As our Adult grows, it takes more authority. We now tap into our Lover to grow this intimacy. Start with the Daily 3 and you will see the power of the Lover has an amazing ability. Don’t stop there for this is just the beginning.
The 5 Love Languages are the key to growing our intimacy. Get the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Dr Gary Chapman. It’s brilliant.
To simplify things we have developed the Basic 8:
The Daily 3:
1. Share 2 positive thoughts
2. Share 2 positive feelings
3. Plan 2 positive activities
The Daily 3 Explained;
2 Positive Thoughts are about your Lover; things you like, love or admire about them.
2 Positive Feelings are about your day, That have nothing to do with your lover. This is a hard one and will take practice. Much like learning a foreign language, you will just have to work at it.
Plan 2 Positive Activities that you want to do together, every day, every week and especially on your weekends.
Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages:
1: Words of Affirmation
2: Quality Time
3: Receiving Gifts
4: Acts of Service
5: Physical Touch
1: Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2: Quality Time
For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
3: Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4: Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5: Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Consistently doing the Daily 3 and the 5 Love Languages will change your heart and that of your lover, forever.
There you have it. It’s ABC
A. The Ego
B. The Adult
C. The Lover
We are actually moving from intimacy with ourselves, to intimacy with our lover. The Ego must surrender to the Adult, and the Adult grows and matures into the Lover.