Intimacy "In-to-me-see" One of the most misunderstood aspects of the relationship. No, it’s not sex but it does include lovemaking.by Kathryn Wenzel on 12/31/15
Intimacy is about connection, about feeling close and connected. Yet many of us don’t know how or we just forgot a long, long time ago. Many don’t even have a clue what to say or what to do, so, we just stay busy doing things that actually end up taking us even further away from the solution.
Intimacy, broken down, is what every personal relationship needs. In-to-me-see; see into me; A mutual willingness to be vulnerable and open to one another.
There are 5 beautiful ways to intimacy:
Spiritually – this is two parts: Now here is where most of us mess up. In spiritual, we are talking about psychological. Psychologically we are either in our adult, behaving maturely, focusing upon others with love and respect, or psychologically we are operating out of our Ego. The Ego is immature, over emotional, and at times, immoral and even rather wicked. This is seen when we are mean, rude and condescending. So, Spiritually, if we operate out of the Adult we are warm, caring, loving and accepting and the other person will be attracted to us. The second piece is to be like minded in values and beliefs. These are the foundation to communication and being in agreement with each other. Look for areas you both value and believe in and keep that focus together. What a great place to start!
Mental intimacy is sharing our thoughts and opinions, from our Adult. This way our focus stays on the positive aspects about the other person, about life and about
ourselves in general.
Emotional intimacy is connecting by sharing our positive feelings about each other and situations throughout each day. Being open, honest and giving, and making sure it’s coming from our Adult. The Ego can really create unnecessary drama here, if not kept in check.
Physical intimacy is another totally misunderstood aspect of intimacy. This is also two parts: First, doing things together like dates, social engagements, chores, meals, you name it. This is so important that without these, we can create a huge wedge between ourselves and our spouse.
The second part of physical intimacy is non-sexual physical touch. Yes we emphasize non-sexual for a reason. Unlike most men, women are geared to connect, to feel “one” with their spouse; to be intimate. Holding hands, snuggling, kissing, gentle non sexual caresses and “loving looks” touches ones heart deeply. These actions also release a bonding chemical into the body called Oxytocin, which is an important building block for trust between two people. When a person is connecting spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically with their spouse, sexual intimacy happens naturally. Well, not that easy, but it sure makes it a lot easier! This is where we really get to connect on all 5 levels. An important key is to keep a “little” light on, just enough to “see” each other, without being so bright that one might feel self conscious. Next, keep your eyes open (glue to each other) and talk, whisper sweet something’s into each other’s ear. Now things get a little bit more interesting!
The 3 P’s, to Provide, Protect and Pursue each other with Passion, are important components to complete intimacy. Actually 4 P’s, but who’s counting? We say we need to Provide spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. This means we actively meet our partner’s needs in these areas. We need to Protect in these same five areas which also means we are not the one who attacks either. We must keep our Ego out of here or it will attack, violate and/or damage one or more areas of intimacy and we don’t need that.
To Pursue, to connect, really connect sexually, we must pursue spiritually from our
Adult. We must connect mentally, learning how to speak to our partner sexually, learning what makes them tick and not tick them off. We need to connect emotionally, making sure not to bring up past crap, issues or negative feelings. We also want to include the physical activities; especially dating, to help us connect and get in the mood. Most of us have forgotten that dating was the way we got our partner alone so we could pursue them. Remember “Old Fashion Courting”? That’s it, but with a twist. The twist is we are pursuing each other to be sexually intimate and make love. Yes! Old fashion dating with a twist, holding hands, kissing, snuggling and sitting next to each other, focused on what the other is saying and keeping focused on the positive. Positive thoughts about the other person; Positive feelings about each other and life in general and positive thoughts on activities we’d like to do in the future, (like making love real soon).
A great book to help is Dr. Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”
So, let’s recap. Intimacy, in-to-me-see;
Getting to really know each other;
Spiritually with our Adult
Mentally positive thoughts
Emotionally positive feelings
Physically fun activities & touch
Sexually combining all five
Combining all five areas of intimacy with lights on, eyes open, speaking sweet somethings into each other’s ears…
We use a method we call the 7’s; date every 7 days, every 7 weeks spend the whole
day together, every 7 months spend the night away from home together and every 7
years go to Maui or somewhere very special. Don’t forget to date, at least once a week. Spend a whole day together at least once a month. Get away for a night or two several times a year and take a vacation together, a second, third, fourth or fifth honeymoon every 3 to 5 years.
We also recommend the Daily 3; where every day you both write down on a 3 x 5 card;
1. Two positive thoughts about your partner. Two things you like about them,
love about them, or admire about them. They must be different every day.
2. Two positive feelings about your day – about you, not your partner, but two positive feelings you experienced this day and share when you get home. If you had
a crappy day, then refer to a previous day and share it.
3. Share two positive activities you would like to do together tonight, tomorrow or
on the weekend. This keeps you thinking about it, and then you two vote on which activity you both would like to do together. There you have it, intimacy; in-to-me-see;
Provide, Protect and Pursue each other spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically
and sexually with Passion and with the attitude; we get too!
Spiritual Adult vs Ego
Mental Positive Thoughts
Emotional Positive Feelings
Physical Fun Activities & Touch
Sexual Watch out!!!
Protect one another…
Provide for one another…
Pursue one another…
With Passion, Love & Respect.