“One Foot, Two Foot - What does this have to do with intimacy???"by Kathryn Wenzel on 12/16/14
“One Foot, Two Foot”
Warning: This blog may hit you right between the eyes
(or not) with a little reality and common sense;
both of which many of us lack at the moment.
For some of us, there’s a feeling like one
foot is nailed to the floor and at best we
are just running around in circles, doing
the same thing, repeating the same dang
mistakes time and time again. Some may
even feel more like they have both feet
nailed to the floor and are just stuck,
getting nowhere, no matter how hard we
try. Well, this blog is for you! Half of it will
explain why this might be happening, the
other half, what to do about it.
One foot, two foot is sort of like taking
baby steps. We have to make changes one
step at a time; one foot in front of the
other until we begin to gain momentum.
One of the primary reasons we get stuck
is we end up relying upon some form of
self-medication to get us through, eventually
falling victim to the cycle of addiction
without even realizing it. This cycle of
addiction can help explain in a very basic
way, how and why we run away from the
daily drama in our lives, to seek refuge
in self-medication. Be it drugs, alcohol,
sex, over eating, or power and control,
they all create a dynamic we refer to as
Arrested Development: where we are
stuck emotionally, mentally and morally at
the age we first started to self medicate.
In its most basic form, the triangle of
ACE is what we use to help explain the
“Ego”. A is for accountability, for which
there is none. C is for Control, Power-n-
Control, which is what the Ego wants and
needs. E is for the esteem, it’s all about
“Me” and my self-Esteem.
ACE is defined as:
A= No Accountability, for anything.
We blame, minimize, distort, justify and
rationalize our behaviors with the 5 W’s;
who, what, where, when and why.
We also use the 3 D’s;
Divulge nothing and
Demand evidence, only to deny
it all over again.
C = is for Control; Power-n-Control. We
attempt to manipulate most every situation,
only to find we are never truly satisfied.
We constantly do it, consciously and
unconsciously. There are times we know
what we are doing and other times we do
it without thinking, because we���ve done it
so many times before; it’s just habit.
E= Esteem, the self-Esteem, where it’s “all
about me, I want what I want, when I want
it and I want it now! I didn’t earn it or work
for it, I just want it, and therefore I should
have it.” This is an issue of selfishness and
entitlement. When we are stuck here, we
really have no empathy for others. We just
don’t care at the time and it shows. Yet,
we are extremely hypersensitive to anyone
treating us disrespectfully. Here again we
are stuck in our Ego or what we call the
Triangle of ACE. No one understands
our point of view and we are just tired of
all their crap! The only thing left to do is
“Forget about it” and self-medicate. For
many of us we have been doing this for
so long that it has become an unbreakable
pattern. At times we feel like one foot is
nailed to the ground and at other times it
feels like both our feet are nailed down
and we are helplessly stuck! AAAaaaaaa….
This Bites!!! For some, we feel like we’ve
tried everything. For others, we have no
idea what to do. For some, this is the last
stop before doing something drastic. So,
let’s talk about a strategic plan.
The strategic plan we need, will help us
get focused and give us direction.
In its most basic form it’s:
First, we must take Authority over our Ego.
Second, we must develop Trust within
our close relationships.
Third, we must develop a loving, intimate
relationship with our primary partner to
replace our need and desire to self medicate.
That’s all; Simple enough. It just took us
darn near 30 years to figure this out! And
it takes a lot of dang work to do it!
First, we have to figure out who our Ego is
and how to get our Adult to take authority
over it. (see the Arrested Development and the
Reverse Work Ethic blogs or buy the book The Art of Redirection)
Second, we have to learn how to behave
like an actual adult and earn the Trust
that has been destroyed by our selfish,
Third, we have to learn how to have a
true intimate relationship with our significant
other; spiritually, mentally, emotionally,
physically and sexually. For too many of us, this
seems like Friggin Rocket Science and we are
at a loss as to where to start! In this blog
we will explain how this isn’t as difficult as it
seems, it’s just no one really told us.
Spiritually: we need to have an adult to
adult connection to move forward. If the
Ego comes out with either or both partners,
intimacy is destroyed.
Mentally: we need to stop sharing negative
thoughts, feelings and/or opinions. We have
gotten too good at this and it really screws
things up! It’s really not a good idea to
share negative feelings when we are trying
to be close, and work on “being the best of
Emotionally: again we need to stop sharing
all our negative feelings. We do it so well, it’s
like emotionally puking all over each other
and we know that doesn't work. So, share
only positive thoughts, positive feelings,
positive ideas and/or opinions. Make a habit
of it and watch how things will really begin
Physically: we need to do more things
together; the more the better. Quit
running away and hiding in the electronics
and other distractions. Start doing more
things together; eat, shop, walk, ride, drive,
talk, clean, do it all. Make sure you are
holding hands, snuggling, kissing and other
non-sexual touching. You get the idea. This
chapter was just to help get things started,
not the answer to all your problems.
Sexually: When a person is connecting
spiritually, mentally, emotionally and
physically with their spouse, sexual intimacy
happens naturally. Keep a “little” light on,
just enough to “see” each other, without
being so bright that one might feel self
conscious. Next, keep your eyes open (glue
to each other) and talk, whisper sweet
something’s into each other’s ear . . .
Provide, Protect and Pursue each other
spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically
and sexually with Passion…
One Foot, Two Foot Summarized
ACE = Ego
A = No Accountability…
C = It's all about Power-n-Control…
E = It’s all about “Me” & My Self-Esteem…
Arrested Development: We are stuck at
the age we first start self medicating
The Strategic Plan: