The ABC's of Maturityby Kathryn Wenzel on 01/24/15
Warning: This chapter contains info that may blow your socks off. Basically, that it’s time to grow up and put your big boy pants on. Or your big girl pants on…
The Basic ABC’s of Maturity
A is for the Ego, who is selfish, hypersensitive
and has no empathy.
B is for the Adult, who is selfless, sensitive
C is for the Lover, who is sensual, thoughtful
We must get our Adult to take authority
over our Ego to begin the process of
building trust and then grow the intimacy
that has been needed for oh so long.
The Ego is the narcissistic, co-dependant,
sometimes bi-polar like, little kid inside
of us that drives others crazy. We can
be so controlling and oh so manipulative,
yet would never admit to that, unless of
course we are bragging to another. We are
in survival mode and we just don’t care.
Our only concern is to get what we want,
when we want it and we want it now.
The Adult, on the other hand, is the
one inside who knows right from wrong,
yet because we have exerted little control
over our stinkin Ego, we end up suffering
the consequences. Our Adult must learn to
take authority over our Ego, much like that
of the parent over their very own child. If
this is not done, our Ego will run amuck and
destroy all that our Adult has worked and
What we are talking about is at Epidemic
proportions. It’s really that bad! This is really
a Pandemic for it has spread throughout
the land. So to address this issue it’s going
to take a lot of hard, Hard Work and WORK
is the worst four letter word for today’s
generation. And then we went and put the
word “hard” in front of it. HARD & WORK
are also two very important acronyms.
HARD stands for;
a Heck of A lot of Reading to Do… Ugh!!!
We must read about this Ego & Adult of
ours, and then about our Lover… ‘Cause
no one ever taught us about these guys.
W.O.R.K. is a bit more detailed than
“W” stands for Wake – up!!!
The Ego is alive…
“O” stands for get Organized…
The Adult must develop a
“R” stands for Realize
Realize your Potential, Provide, Pursue
and Protect your Lover, with Passion.
“K” stands for the Key;
Knowledge applied equals Wisdom.
“W” - Wake-up!!! The Ego, your Ego, is
narcissistic, co-dependent and at times bipolar
as all get out. Read about all three,
learn and identify the traits that relate to
you; this is what is destroying your marriage
and other relationships, not your spouse.
“O” - Organized… We are going to have
to learn that our Adult is going to have
to take authority over the Ego, and how.
This is done by developing a strategic plan,
otherwise known as a “strategory.” In doing
so, we have to learn what and how to do
this on a daily basis.
“R” - Realize the potential inside your Adult,
is your Lover. Your Lover has tremendous
authority and the power to turn any
“K” - The Key, is Knowledge applied which
equals Wisdom. This is what most of us
The ABC’c of Maturity In more detail
A is for the Ego, the immature, immoral
and at times, wicked little kid inside, that
is narcissistic, co-dependent and bi-polar
B is for the Adult who is mature, moral,
loving and kind. Who willingly goes above
and beyond what we are asked and does
all this and more, because we get to. The
Adult is organized, structured, and has a
well thought-out plan that is followed every
day, every week and even on the weekends.
C is for the Lover, whose main focus is on
“Intimacy”. To provide, pursue and protect
The Lover, must learn true Intimacy,
in being spiritually, mentally, emotionally,
physically and sexually connected. The
Lover’s main purpose is to provide, pursue
and protect their Spouse / Lover spiritually,
mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually,
with passion. What a mouth full!
The ABC’s of Maturity are where the
Adult must take Authority over the Ego
and develop the relationship by earning
Trust every day. Almost simultaneously,
the Lover is developing Intimacy on a daily,
weekly and every weekend basis.
All in all, this is hard, hard work. We
have a heck of a lot of reading to do. We
must learn more about our Ego to take
Authority; earn the Trust back through
our Adult; and bring the Passion back to
our relationship, by developing the Lover.
The Rules of Engagement:
Nine Basic Rules that simply apply to
the Ego, Adult and the Lover. These Nine
Rules, when used correctly, can turn a
nightmare into a dream come true. Nine
Basic Rules that are hard Work in utilizing,
yet oh so rewarding.
The first three rules are referred to as
The Survival Rules. They are used at work,
home and especially whenever our Ego
comes out to play. When we are triggered, we
typically go into the fight or flight response,
where we become emotionally charged and
the only one who can take control of this
is our Adult. This takes time, training and
lots and lots of practice. The Adult must
take Authority over the Ego.
Rule #1 Shut-up - the Adult must tell
the Ego to Shut-up! No sharing thoughts,
feelings or opinions. Definitely not when we
are triggered, not when we are focused on
the negative, & not when we are in the Ego.
Rule #2 Listen - Ha! We still have to
remain engaged and actively listen to the
other person, maintaining eye contact, &
repeating back what was said. Not what
we think we heard! If we are asked to
do something, just do it out of love and
Rule #3 Don’t React - do not let the
Ego do or say something you are going to
regret later. Apply Rule #1, Shut-up!!! Don’t
defend yourself and don’t argue. Gather
your wits about you, get yourself together
and allow your Adult to step up.
These Survival Rules are so important.
Use them at home, work, even in the drive
way and wherever the Ego may want to
come out and play.
The next three rules are basic as to what
to do when your Ego does come out and
play; very basic stuff. We just have got to
get our Adult to do it. Oh, the Ego will
put up a fight and it may take an hour, a
day or even a week, but we are working on
progress, not perfection.
Rule #4 Own It, say “what” you did, not
“why”, not ‘how”, not “where” or “when.”
Just admit it, not justify it, not minimize
it, not distort it or rationalize it. Just own
it, & say “what you did”.
Rule #5 Apologize for it. Do Not Say “I’m
Sorry!” For in the last 50 years “I’m Sorry” has
become an empty, meaningless set of words
that do nothing for you. Apologize! Say “I
apologize”, use eye contact and mean it.
You messed up, so clean it up. Own it first,
and then show your maturity by apologizing
for the mess you made, even if you had
help. Just do it.
Rule #6 Commit to what you will do in
the future and more importantly, do it.
Hey, we are all good at saying what the
other person wants to hear, but we have to
follow through or it doesn't mean anything.
Now, we have to do it because that’s
true commitment; the act of actually doing
what we said we would. Do all three (Rules
4-6) and the Adult takes Authority.
We also begin the process of earning and/or
maintaining “Trust” within the relationship.
By owning our behavior, we are being
Accountable. By apologizing, we are being
Respectful; By committing to change and
actually doing it, we are being Responsible;
Accountable, Responsible and Respectful.
The three key components of earning and
maintaining Trust within the Relationship.
The next three rules apply to how you
respond to your spouse, lover or partner
when they mess up.
Rule #7 Surrender and Submit the Ego
to the Adult. This means you actually have
to use Rules #1, 2, & 3 to Surrender and
Rules #4, 5 & 6 to Submit. If you don’t, it’s
going to be really, really hard to do Rule #8.
Rule #8 Forgive & Serve the other person.
That means you forgive them, let it go and
be willing to do whatever they ask and go
above and beyond. Now, this is extremely
hard unless you truly Surrender and Submit
your Ego to your Adult and just do it. For
if you won’t or can’t, you can’t or won’t do
Rule #9 Love & Respect them. Love
on your spouse, lover or partner by being
there and meeting their needs in ways only
you can do. (see “The 5 Love Languages”
by Dr. Gary Chapman) Respect them, by
honoring their Boundaries. Be kind, gentle
and understanding. Go out of your way to
touch them non-sexually, speak kindly, do
things for them, spend time doing what
they want to and maybe even surprise them
with a gift.
These three rules alone are like magic.
Do it and you will experience it yourself.
Apply all nine to your life and you will see
drastic changes in your relationship. This
won’t happen over night, but over time.